


Book Commentary: Twilight

by mlmcg12



Series: Book Blog Transcripts [8]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Cross-Posted on WordPress, F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28946835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlmcg12/pseuds/mlmcg12
Series: Book Blog Transcripts [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123052





	1. Preface

  * The book’s already starting, and Bella’s already about to die. God, I wish she would’ve died so there wouldn’t have been any sequels.
  * Bella seriously wants to die in someone’s place? BITCH, YOU’RE NOT A MARTYR, YOU’RE JUST SOME DUMB, BORING TEENAGE MARY SUE. And a bad Mary Sue at that.
  * Setting the whole book up as a huge flashback normally would be a cool idea, but Stephenie Meyer can’t even do that right.
  * Also, if you haven’t already noticed, I hate _Twilight_ , and I’m only doing this series of reviews to point out the stupid parts. Namely the whole set of books.




	2. First Sight

  * Bella’s favorite shirt is a white tank top made from white eyelet lace. I’m suddenly imagining a hooker shirt.
  * Bella hates Forks but loves Phoenix… yet she’s still “exiling herself” to Forks. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard (says the girl reviewing _Twilight_ even though she hates _Twilight_ ). 
    * Also, Bella’s already being overly-descriptive about Forks (so far, with the weather).
  * I mean, sure it’d be embarrassing to be driven around by Charlie in his cop car, and Bella probably wants a bit of independence, but she just sounds extra-harsh about it. (I guess she didn’t consider the school bus. Is Forks even a big enough town to even have school buses? God, imagine how much Bella would complain if she had to take the school bus in Forks.)
  * Bella blocked out the memory of Billy Black because she thought remembering her dad’s old fishing buddy was boring because dad and fishing. If only I could forget all the insignificant stuff Bella goes on about…
  * The crappy old truck Bella should’ve hated is something she actually likes in Forks. That’s actually shocking. And she’s already calling it “the thing” based on something her dad said?
  * Within two paragraphs, Bella goes “OK, it’s actually kinda pretty here in Forks” followed by “Wait, never mind, it’s too green.”
  * Bella’s already complaining about having a used computer. Bitch, be glad your 2005-ass has your own computer.
  * “I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag.” A _crying jag_? What is that? Who even says that?
  * Sheeting rain? What is that? Rain coming down in sheets? Nobody says sheeting rain.
  * “Oh, boo hoo I’m the new kid in a small town and I’m too pale to be from Phoenix and I’m clumsy as fuck and my people skills are awful.”
  * The kitchen has dark walls, a white floor, and weird yellow cabinets. How ugly is the rest of the house?
  * _So much unnecessary description of the inside of the car_.
  * What kind of school did Bella go to in Phoenix where chain-link fences and metal detectors everywhere were totally normal?
  * _So much unnecessary description of the school’s office that only comes up in like two scenes._
  * _So much unnecessary filler about the cars in the parking lot and what Bella did before school started._
  * “Building three was easy to spot because of the sign with a three on it.” Great observational skills, Bella.
  * “I’ve already read all these classics before so English is gonna be boring.” I mean, there’s nothing wrong with liking classic lit, but Bella doesn’t have to be so pretentious about it…
  * Did Bella just say “My mother was part albino” when Eric was asking about how pale she was? What the actual fuck? That’s rude.
  * And Bella’s already forgetting all her classmates’ names. Because, you know, that’s the thing she does with insignificant info.
  * Blah blah blah giant chunk of going on and on about how pretty the Cullens are.
  * “Edward doesn’t date because nobody’s pretty enough for him.” Shallow much, Jessica?
  * Of course Bella just happens to have Edward as a lab partner in Bio because how else are they supposed to meet?
  * _So much going on about how weird Edward’s being around Bella_.
  * “He didn’t know me from Eve.” That’s… that’s not a phrase. I’m pretty sure that’s not a phrase.
  * Coach Clapp is the gym teacher? I’m suddenly hilariously reminded of the gym teacher in _Mean Girls_ teaching the health class and going on about “don’t get pregnant because you’ll die,” especially considering _Breaking Dawn_.
  * More descriptions of clumsy Bella being clumsy Bella, then more of Edward being standoffish, and thank goodness this chapter is over.




	3. Open Book

  * ~~It’s been, what, five? six hours? since I worked on that last chapter of _City of Bones_ , and I still have a headache. Medicine isn’t helping. And now I’m torturing myself more by continuing _Twilight_. Fun.~~
  * 24 pages. This chapter is 24 fucking pages. Why the hell am I doing this to myself?
  * So, now it’s the next day, and Eric and Mike are already fighting over Bella. Fun. Go Mary Sue. Get all the guys. Or whatever.
  * And Bella’s clumsy as fuck, as shown by this awkward scene in gym class with the volleyball or whatever.
  * God, I’m bored already. And I’m not even a page and a half into the chapter.
  * When saying how nervous she was about lunch because the Cullens hated her for no reason, Bella’s like, “I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.” First of all, what kinda description is that? Second of all, I typed that sentence out exactly as it was written. Sorry, but since the Terminator is the character (at least, what he’s most commonly known as) as well as the movie, shouldn’t it be capitalized in the quote? Not only is Stephenie Meyer a bad writer in terms of plot and super-boring characters, she can’t even get fucking elementary-school-level grammar right.
  * And now she’s all like “boo hoo, Edward’s adopted siblings are here but not Edward.” Girl. Get your shit together. Make up your mind.
  * And now Mike’s over here blabbering about an upcoming beach trip. I’ve already forgotten, since it’s been literal years since I’ve suffered through the whole book, but is this Actual Foreshadowing to the Important Beach Trip Later or is it just useless infodumping because that’s a good portion of what Stephenie Meyer’s been doing in this book?
  * So, wait, this whole thing about school was just a flashback Bella had while recounting her shitty day while getting smacked in the face with a volleyball? Is this some “life flashing before her eyes” metaphor?
  * “Charlie’s a shit cook, so I willingly stuck myself on kitchen duty.” I mean, sure, go ahead and like cooking or whatever in real life, but based on just… general context, and kinda subtext, this just feels vaguely misogynistic.
  * And Bella’s just now noticing the Cullens’ fancy clothes and it’s just now hitting her how seriously they’re rich snobs.
  * “And now that I’m at the grocery store, everything’s cool and normal and shit.”
  * Holy shit, how am I only five pages into the chapter? Please make this shit go faster.
  * Steak and potatoes. Bella seriously is making steak and potatoes. Holy shit.
  * Bella’s only been in Forks for what, three days, and her mom’s already sent her like, ten worried emails? For real?
  * ~~Fuck this. I should probably get medicine for my headache, even though it didn’t help much earlier.~~
  * So, apparently _Wuthering Heights_ is one of Bella’s favorite books, and she’s (re)reading past where they’re supposed to be for English class. ~~I mean, sure, I’ve reread super-old “classic” novels for fun because I like them, but _Wuthering Heights_ isn’t one of them for me. But that’s just me.~~
  * So, Bella’s going down to talk to her dad before dinner, since he just got home, and when he asked if it was her, she thought to herself, “who else?” I mean, there’ll be someone else creeping in later. Because none of this is weird at all.
  * When Bella used to visit Charlie as a kid, he’d used to unload his service weapon while she was there so that she wouldn’t accidentally hurt herself with it. But apparently now he doesn’t since he trusts Bella to not play around with it now that she’s older, and he doesn’t think she’s depressed and would use it. OK, that last part is a mixtute of “What the fuck? Why would Stephenie Meyer put that other than the fact that she’s stupid and wants to make yet another reference to Bella being the worst kind of Mary Sue,” and “That’s probably the greatest foreshadowing for the entirety of _New Moon_ I’ve ever seen, except I don’t think Stephenie Meyer is that good at planning a fucking series.”
  * So, apparently Renee is a worse cook than Charlie. Or something. And he’s relieved that Bella’s making good ol’ steak and potatoes. Holy fucking shit.
  * Yay. Random infodump about the fact that Mike’s dad runs a sporting goods store. I feel like Mike’s Dad is just a random side character who doesn’t need that sort of background info.
  * And now Bella’s asking Charlie about the Cullen family. Because this isn’t a suspicious line of questioning at all.
  * Holy shit. Now Charlie’s going on this angry rant about how Dr. Cullen’s an awesome doctor that the community should love except for the fact that the whole family’s super rich and reclusive and new in town. And he’s like “all the adopted teens are so much better behaved than I would’ve thought for, y’know _, adopted_ kids who are _teenagers_.” What the actual fuck?
  * Yeah, this shit’s actually funny: Bella’s like, “All the Cullen kids are hot,” and Charlie’s basically like, “Girl. You should see their _dad_. Too bad… I mean… Good thing he’s married. All the, uh, nurses at the hospital are all over him.” Are there Charlie/Carlisle ship fics on the internet? I feel like there are Charlie/Carlisle ship fics on the internet. I should look them up (and use AO3’s tag filter system to exclude kinks that look weird to me).
  * OK, now I’m actually having a little bit of fun. More than I thought I would. Thanks, Stephenie’s Unintentional Ship-Sailing Lines.
  * OK, never mind. Shit’s dumb again. Bella’s over here washing dishes by hand because they don’t have a fucking dishwasher.
  * Wait, we’re _not_ getting infodumps about how the rest of the week at school went? We’re just getting little bits of info?
  * Also, apparently Edward didn’t show up for school for the rest of the week, and Bella’s still like “boo hoo, no Edward to creep me out even though he’s super hot.”
  * OK, yeah, this beach trip that Mike’s been dropping hints about and has just invited Bella to is the Big One at La Push That’s in Two Weeks and Is Super Important. So Stephenie Meyer _does_ know how to use foreshadowing, but only up to a certain point.
  * Holy shit. I’ve been at this for almost an hour at this point, and I’m only, what, halfway through the chapter?
  * “I had a super boring weekend. The only thing remotely close to a highlight was that I went to the library. But it was super tiny and didn’t have shit, so I’m gonna have to make a Trip Into The City to go to an Actual Book Store. I’m gonna have to get a friend to take me, because my truck is shit but awesome but shit.”
  * And on Monday, they got their first snow of the season, and Bella’s surprised because she’s never seen snow in real life before. I know people who don’t live in places that get snow often are shocked when seeing it in real life, but just the way that Bella’s reaction was written, it’s just like… girl, come on.
  * ~~Random aside: I just got distracted and went on AO3 to try to find Charlie/Carlisle fics in English, and after filtering out other characters and ships being tagged, I couldn’t find any with that ship. And one Charlie/Cullen fic, but it has Bella/Alice as the primary ship. Someone go write me a Charlie/Carlisle fic centering on just that ship.~~
  * Apparently Bella Does Not Like Snowball Fights In Person.
  * And now Edward’s back. And Bella Does Not Like That, Either.
  * Oh, fun. Edward caught Bella staring as soon as Jessica pointed out that Bella was staring.
  * Mike’s over here planning a huge snowball fight after school, and Jessica’s now agreeing to it like a lovesick puppy, which I’m pretty sure Mike doesn’t notice because he’s too into Bella.
  * And now the snow’s all melted because it switched to rain.
  * Lovely. Now Edward’s being super sweet and pretending like he didn’t totally hate Bella the week earlier.
  * Ugh. I hate awkward small talk in books more than I hate awkward small talk in real life. ~~And I’m fucking autistic.~~
  * And apparently Bella’s awesome at science. And so is Edward. So they got done with their work in like five minutes.
  * Lovely. There’s something weird and wrong with Edward’s eyes changing colors, and Bella’s over here blurting it out.
  * Bella’s over here noticing how hot Edward is, and how the whole eye color question pissed him off. And then it’s like “saved by the teacher, breaking the awkward tension.”
  * But then the bio teacher’s all up in this sexist bullshit, thinking Edward did all the work when Bella did most of it.
  * And now Bella’s the one avoiding awkward questions. Edward’s wondering why she moved to Washington from Arizona.
  * Holy shit, this banter about Bella’s personal life is awful.
  * “My mom always says I’m an open book.” “Girl, that’s bullshit. You’re hard to read.” Oh, look. This is more attempts at Actual Foreshadowing.
  * Oh, fun. Mike’s jealous that Edward’s suddenly nice to Bella. Dude. Get over yourself and date Jessica instead of the massive turd that is Bella Swan. (Although Edward Cullen is a bigger turd, and a big creep.)
  * And Bella’s over here about to smash into other cars in the parking lot on the way out of school because she’s freaked out about Edward, and Edward’s over here laughing at her. Lovely way to sum up their relationship at this point.



**Author's Note:**

> See also https://mmcgui12sbookblog.home.blog/


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